I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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