oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
