Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
