I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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