my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
