you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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