apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We're too hungover to prance.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
