Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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