Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
