I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
