I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize