I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
