My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
