Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
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you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
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This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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