im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
