You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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