This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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