first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
