my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
