My hand turned me down
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
