i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
