Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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