if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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