just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
