I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
