I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize