So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
