I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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