I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
