My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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