i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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