My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize