Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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