you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
