YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
