I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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