I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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