I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
