Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
