So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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