I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
