you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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