did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
be right there i have to get my cape
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
