i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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