Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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