my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
