After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Shame - the story of my life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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