I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
