I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
