Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
