maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
