Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
