I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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