the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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