Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
